Death as a Gift
On the 18th, the day came where it was no longer a kindness to keep my 20 year old cat alive. I kept telling him to go home, that his watch had ended, that he did his job of accompanying me through so many dark nights and joyous moments and that now he could rest. But of course, he would never choose to leave my side and it became apparent that death was a gift that I must impart on him.
I remember seeing my grandmother on her hospice bed with a nurse changing her diapers and she was being given morphine, as that is the only way Western society seems to know how to be kind at the end of a person’s life. But I could tell she didn’t like the drugs, although she was in pain. I actually read later in her memoir that when she got into a really bad car accident when she was young she found out she is intolerant/allergic to morphine, which I have no idea how the medical team overlooked that. Everyone in that situation was doing the best they could under the laws of our society but I wished I could have helped her pass in a more peaceful, dignified way.
And so I was able to do that for my best friend, my feline companion and roommate for the past 20 years. I got him when I was 17 so I have spent more of my life with him than without.
He has a beautiful resting place in my family’s backyard under the big magnolia tree in front of the lake. It faces the West so when I go visit him I can watch the sunset and the grass is so soft and there’s always some long-necked bird wading in the water. I am so grateful to have had the honor of spending so much of, yet another life, together. See you in the next one, and the next and the next for we are never truly parted.
The universe has been handing out a lot of Justice these past few weeks. And dealing with another BIG kundalini event, while my cat was dying, and lots of other compounding factors, leading to my mental control spiraling away from me into a psychosis… well, it was my sentence, my penance.
There is a theory that all people fall into one of three categories of reaction types: What do I feel?, What do I think?, And What do I DO?
I, am the last one. And so what did my logical mind jump up and decide to do after loosing my mind solving some big divine puzzle?
It said, no more solving. Fixed! Duh, of course. Easy…..
But really not possible. You see this is how my mind has always worked, finding patterns and deeper meanings in everything.
My first memory in this life is a synchronicity from when I was three years old and it was Easter and me and my Mom walked out of the house to the car and a rabbit ran past us and I remember thinking/saying how FUNNY it was that the first rabbit I saw in this life just happened to be on Easter.
And cutting it all off isn’t even the recommendation of a single person I have told all the details to. It’s just my own foolish ‘solution.’
I have told a few friends, and both of my Mothers just about everything. The days my Step Mom was coming over to sit with me, bring me food, and talk to me while I was going through the psychosis I opened up my laptop, and my phone and I explained/showed to her EVERY PIECE of my puzzle. And I was sending her home each day with new things to research. At the end I said to her “AAaaaand thaaaanks for coming to my TEDtalk.” And we laughed and her response was, “Well, you seem to be on to something but right now, it’s not making you happy so you need to take a break and pick yourself back up.”
And in fact, that was the response of all my friends and family who took the time to listen. Heart-warming.
Maybe there’s something to all of these clues, and odds say, probably not. But I know I am going to be just fine, no better than fine, I am going to THRIVE, either way.
The issue I ran into with the story I came up with that was due to psychosis, was that I was RUNNING towards it. And with the kundalini energy spiking, clues and information and downloads were coming in at the speed of light. Usually, I get a clue, have a dream, whatever it is and log it, mentally or physically. And I wait, and I think on it, do in depth research. I look at it from every angle before putting it in place in the grand picture.
So I am grateful for this meltdown. It taught me that one, the universe isn’t going to put me in a position where I’m supposed to carry the weight of the entire World on my shoulders alone nor, is it going to really make me RUSH into action on something the very next day. Two, it allowed me to become completely firm in my boundaries with external factors that are triggering me to paint fully realized stories in my head. The Higher Self, God, The Universe, Collective Consciousness, whatever you want to call it is NOT going to show any, one person the FULL picture. It only shows you the next few steps.
The internet, and the algorithm can be a really AMAZING treasure trove of information and people and ideas and I am SO thankful to people on the internet talking about all these wild concepts relating to spirituality and consciousness. It has enriched my life so much, and has made my feel so much less alone and afraid on my journey. But as with anything so vast, I started to drown in the ocean of the internet. And that’s empowering information to take away.
I know when to jump in the life boat when it comes along.
I am readjusting back to ‘real life’ quite well. I’ve been hanging out with my friends and playing games and going out to see art.
And I’m still not going to be scrolling through Instagram or Youtube for a while, which is a little complicated because that’s how I find a lot of my income/work but I trust that will come in, in perfect timing as it always does. And holy shit, the amount of time I have gained in my days is astounding. I really was lost in the digital realm. Phew. Onwards and Upwards my friends. Anyhow, just wanted to pop in and share because, boy, do I love me some good ass CLOSURE!
Time for a new chapter in this story and to release the expectations of what that looks like.
Your move, Universe.
